A Movie Drinking Game for The Goonies
- Somebody (OK, Chunk) talks about food. Personally, I see nothing wrong with continuing to eat ice cream once you discover you’ve been stuffed into a walk-in freezer with a dead body. I mean, come on -- they’ve got Chocolate Explosion!
- Mikey takes a hit of his inhaler. Is it just me, or do you not see kids with inhalers that much anymore? If (really, when) they do a horrible remake of The Goonies, Mikey will be played by a 30-year-old Justin Bieber popping Ritalin.
- The Goonies consult One-Eyed Willy’s map. Remember, whenever you need to consult a map, make sure everyone in your group crowds around it and starts yelling. That’s how my family does it, at least.
- You see a gadget! You know, as sweet as it is when Data’s dad says “You’re my best invention,” I have to disagree. The Pinchers of Power fucking saved his life.
- The Goonies all yell at the same time. I consider it the greatest regret of my life that I haven’t yet had a chance to scream in horror at a bunch of pirate skeletons while clutching five or six of my best friends in an underground cave.
- Somebody mentions “rich stuff.” If you’re not sure whether someone is a One-percenter or a Pirate, take this easy quiz!
If you answered yes to two or more of these questions, then your new acquaintance is likely a Pirate! If you were unable to answer any of these questions because you live in a box and your new friend won’t let you use his laptop, then he’s probably a One-percenter.
- Does his dental plan include “pull one, pull two more free?”
- When he shakes your hand, does it cause a sudden stabbing pain?
- Instead of investing his millions, does he just pile it in a random assortment on top of the dinner table and stare at it until he dies?
- Do you find his manner of dress scary AND sexy?
- One-Eyed Willy is mentioned or [SPOILER ALERT] makes an appearance. You can learn a LOT from The Goonies, but I think the best lesson is always booby trap your dead body.
- The Goonies encounter a booty trap! I mean booby trap! Double-drink if accompanied by a Looney Tunes sound effect (classic Chris Columbus!).
- WATERFALL for the Truffle Shuffle!
- Drink backwards out of your can/tumbler/flask/Solo Cup whenever somebody says a word wrong (e.g., hyperventriliquating -- wait, is that not a word?).
- Slam a drink whenever Chunk breaks something. Jeez, Chunk turn off your brain!
- Yell “Jerk Alert!” whenever there’s a (you guessed it!) JERK ALERT. Anyone who does not comply either has to finish their beer or change into sweatpants with shorts over ‘em.
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