A Movie Drinking Game for The Avengers

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Mandatory Drinks
Drink whenever:
  1. You hear the word “tesseract.” I think the reason they keep having so much trouble with the tesseract is that they’re not USING it the right way. Sure, it can open portals, but can you imagine how sweet that thing would be lighting up the undercarriage of my Tercel??
  2. Somebody’s ride gets trashed! What counts a “ride” you ask? Oh, you know, a car, helicopter, fighter jet, [SPOILER ALERT] fucking MECHANICAL CYBORG TURTLE SHIP.
  3. There is a costume change (or implication thereof). Personally, I can’t WAIT for Halloween. I’m going to dress up all six of my cats as different Avengers! Trust me, it’s going to be amazing.
  4. Loki starts cheezin’. You know what they say, when you smile, the world smiles with you! (and then gets invaded by half-nude hovercraft-riding skullface aliens)
  5. The bloated egos of the supes start getting in the way. I guess it’s not that surprising -- they did put a god, a scientist-monster, AND a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist in the same room. It's what I imagine filming The Expendables was like. (Obviously Dolph Lundgren is all of the above.)
  6. Someone’s haunted past starts catching up with them. Got a sordid past? Follow Drinking Cinema’s 5 Easy Steps to Eliminating Red in Your Ledger!
    • File for Chapter 11 Moral Bankruptcy. You’ll need Official Form 4 to help defer the tax deduction you got from blowing up that children’s hospital. Be sure to list any unsecured claims!!
    • Fill out Form 843 to get your tax penalties abated and then cry silently, tearlessly as you stare into the mirror at what you have become.
    • Don’t forget to consolidate your debt! After you’ve slaughtered dozens, bunch them all together BEFORE you cover them with lye to destroy the evidence.
    • Make sure you diversify. Tearing the neck muscles out of a Chitauri will look GREAT on your hedge fund portfolio.
    • Remember, when all else fails, work for S.H.I.E.L.D. and get a mani-pedi. It always makes me feel better.
  7. There is a subtle euphemism to the Hulk, a.k.a. the “big guy,” a.k.a. “the other guy,” or, my personal favorite “the mindless monster that makes play at still being a man.” A bit harsh, Loki, but points for creativity.
Bonus Drinks
  1. Whedonites unite! Drink whenever the Joss Whedon fan in you starts squealing. For example, “Hey, it’s Victor from Dollhouse!” or “Hey, that giant sinking crater really reminds me of [SPOILER ALERT] the Hellmouth from Buffy” or “Hey, do you think Joss Whedon will read this Firefly fan-fiction musical I wrote?” (Note: someone please write this immediately.)
  2. Chug some Jolt whenever there’s a subtle comic book reference. OK, so the whole movie is about comic book characters. But “to court Death"? C'monnnn!
  3. MILLION SQUATS RULE. Drink whenever it becomes eye- and butt-bulgingly apparent that one (or more) of our supes has been doing about a million squats. Now THAT’s a P90X routine I can “get behind”!
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I like to take a drink of water or eat a handful of lightly salted peanuts whenever Fury does something pragmatic. That dude's always chirping up a storm of practical plans and life lessons amidst the blue explosions and transparent computer monitors.